


You Can't Purr Your Way Out of This

by Lady_Vibeke



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Adorable Barry Allen, Cats, Cuddling & Snuggling, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Romance, F/M, Feelings Realization, Humor, Len and Lisa are literal cats, M/M, Multi, OT3, Polyamory, Protective Barry Allen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 21:23:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21380803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Vibeke/pseuds/Lady_Vibeke
Summary: There is a new meta in town, a trickster with an arguable sense of humour: she likes to turn people into animals. The only way to change them back to humans is for someone to figure out who they really are.Completely oblivious of this, Barry finds two cats with incredible blue eyes and takes them home.The grey tabby tom is a grumpy sourpuss and the black girl seems to have an obsession with shiny, glittery things. They also appear to enjoy stealing stuff.Barry is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Relationships: Barry Allen/Leonard Snart, Barry Allen/Leonard Snart/Lisa Snart, Barry Allen/Lisa Snart, Leonard Snart/Lisa Snart
Comments: 16
Kudos: 324





	You Can't Purr Your Way Out of This

Barry's had a rough day at work: people have been disappearing and rumour has it it's got something to do with a new meta with strange powers that Cisco has dubbed the Trickster.

He's just turned the key into the main door to his building when he hears a faint cry. He looks around, frowning. He's not sure he recognises the sound. What if it's a baby?

He hears it again. He turns around and spots two cats sitting a few feet from him, watching him intently. One is a large grey tabby, the other is smaller and completely black. Both have strikingly blue eyes.

“Who are you?” he asks as he couches down before them. He hesitantly holds out a hand. The grey cat winces but doesn't back away; the black one mewls and bumps its head against Barry's hand, basking in the caress of his palm.

Barry checks the street: there's no one around. He's never seen these cats before but they sneak into the building with him when he enters. At first he guesses they belong to someone who lives here and were just waiting for a chance to get back inside; his theory, however, crumbles when the cats tail him to his door. He looks down: they're patiently sitting on his mat, waiting for him to open.

“Really? You're just gonna invite yourselves in?”

Yes, they are.

As soon as Barry pushes the door open, the two cats trot inside, tails up in the air.

Barry watches them jump on his couch and snuggle up together among the cushions like it's something they do every day.

Barry doesn't have the energy to ask himself too many questions: they can stay, until he finds out where they come from. He's certainly not gonna throw them out in the cold.

“Okay, then,” he says with a helpless sigh. “Who wants tuna for dinner?”

*

“I found two cats in front of my building, last night.”

Cisco and Caitlin look up from their plates. Barry has no idea why he's telling them; perhaps he hopes they can give him some tips as to what to do.

“Really?” says Caitlin, curiously tilting her head to one side. “That's funny: I found a hamster under my car the other day.”

Cisco pouts: “I found nothing. Are you guys witches? Why are you two getting familiars and I'm not?”

“It's just a hamster, Cisco,” Caitlin points out. “You can have it, if you want.”

“I'm not fond of rats, thanks. I'd rather have Barry's kittens.”

“They're not kittens,” Barry corrects. “They're fully grown cats. Healthy, clean, quite beautiful. I don't think they're strays. I hung a few signs in the neighbourhood in case someone's looking for them.”

“Are you gonna keep them?” Cisco asks over a mouthful of sandwich.

Barry's first instinct is to say no, because, well... he's a dog person. Also, he's too busy between work and patrolling to take care of other living creatures. Heck, he can barely take care of himself. And yet, when he thinks of those two furballs sprawled on his couch he feels some sort of attachment, a sense of familiarity. It's almost as if he knows them, already.

“For now,” he sighs wistfully. “They're a bit feisty, especially the boy.” He frowns, thinking back at one particular episode. “I know it sounds crazy, but I think they stole my watch.”

Cisco nearly chokes on his soda. “They what now?”

“I'm sure I left it in the bathroom before I showered, but in the morning I found at the bottom of the old basket I gave them as a bed. And the girl keeps collecting every sparkly item she finds and hoards them under the couch.”

“Cats do that, man,” shrugs Cisco. Caitlin nods in agreement.

“I'm sure they just wanted to play with those things.”

They're right, obviously. Cats steal for fun, so maybe they're just bored.

Barry takes a mental note to get them cheaper toys to play with.

*

A few days pass, nobody calls to claim the cats, so slowly, maybe a bit unconsciously, Barry starts to allow himself to think of them as his own.

“You guys need names,” he realises after a week. “I can't keep calling you Boy and Girl.”

He's not sure how these two buddies got together – maybe they're companions, maybe brother and sister... Since he's technically their dad, he opts for the latter. Besides, it's not like animals care about this sort of trivialities.

“So,” he sits down on the couch between the two cats and turns to the boy. “You...”

The cat sneezes. How cute!

“Bless you!” Barry grins. The cats sneezes again, and again. “Oh, hey!” Barry scratches the boy's chin to make sure everything is alright. “You don't have a cold, do you?”

The girl lets out a funny curly mewl; the boy growls low in his throat, a sound unmistakable enough for Barry to get the message and draw his hand back at once.

“You're a big sourpuss, you know?” he huffs. “And you've got a very difficult personality. I'm gonna call you Snub.”

The boy gives him another threatening growl; his tail is flipping nervously from side to side, ears flat against his head. Okay, _difficult personality_ is an understatement.

“While you, beautiful lady...” Barry runs his fingers though the girl's thick, velvety fur. She addresses him a couple of slow, meek blinks. “You've definitely got a thing for shiny, expensive stuff. I guess you're gonna be Magpie.”

She stirs and bumps her head against his arm, her purrs loud and, wow, Barry can _feel_ it if he touches her throat!

“So, I'm officially a cat dad,” he muses, a bit moved, and Magpie moves onto his lap, brushing herself all over him, her little paws soft and hot on his thighs.

He tries to see if Snub is feeling like cuddling, too, and nearly loses his index finger in the process.

Nope, Snub is definitely not a touchy-feely boy.

Barry sighs.

Oh, the joys of parenting!

  
  


*

  
  


Barry buys the kitties tags, so if they get lost at least they can be traced back to him. He gets a glittery golden collar for Magpie and a leather-like red one for Snub. They're gonna look fabulous with the colour of their coats.

When he shows them to the cats, Magpie seems charmed and happily allows Barry to put the collar around her neck. She even purrs a little. Barry rewards her with scratch between her ears.

Snub fixes his collar like it's a murderous snake and starts hissing at it. He bites Barry's hand when he attempts to put it on him.

“Why are you like this?” Barry complains with a sigh. “Look at your sister, she's so pretty!”

As if she could understand him, Magpie brushes herself against Barry's calves, back and forth, then proceeds to rub her face all over Snub's, like she's trying to calm him down. This seems to work, at least enough for Barry to dare pet his head. Snub grudgingly lets him.

The next day, Barry goes back to the pet shop to ask if he can return the red collar. The very kind woman jokingly suggests that maybe his cat doesn't like the colour. Barry decides it's worth a try.

When he gets home, he dangles the new collar before Snub's nose. Surprisingly, this time Snub purrs and licks Barry's hand (wow, cats have seriously rough tongues), then basically jumps into the collar and _parades_ like a strutting peacock in front of his sister.

Barry is dumbfounded and slightly pissed.

The little shit likes _blue._

  
  


*

  
  


The kitties are adorable but, damn, they're also little brats.

Snub tries to sneak into the fridge whenever he has a chance, and Barry lives with a constant fear of having closed him inside.

“_Why?”_ Barry snaps once. “Why on earth are you so attracted to ice and cold?”

Snub just _glares_ at him. He's very vocal about his disappointment when he gets dragged away from the fridge. It must be the smell of food luring him. Barry checks about twenty times a day to make sure he hasn't accidentally turned his boy into a furry icicle.

Magpie is mostly a good girl. She's a real aristocat, all grace and poise and foxy movements. She only has one issue: she starts meowing at the TV – oh, so charmingly! – every time the perfume commercial with the girl with the golden gun is on. She pulls herself up and keeps pawing at the screen until Barry pulls her away. There must be something in this commercial that triggers her.

Barry's life is so much more interesting with them.

He just couldn't have found normal cats, could he?

  
  


*

  
  


He realises how far they've gone when he finds the cats curled together on his bed.

He catches himself smiling before he can remind himself that he'd sworn he'd be the boss, here, and wouldn't let two pairs of hypnotic eyes manipulate him.

“We need to establish some ground rules, guys,” he says as he sits on the bed and gently starts stroking their fur. “This is Daddy's bed. That one's yours.” He points his thumb at the padded basket next to his bedside table. “Okay? You can't sleep with me.”

The cats start purring. Barry groans. He can't be _this_ weak...

“Come on,” he insists, trying tease them awake. “Guys? You can't purr your way out of this.”

Both cats crack an eye open and lazily gaze at him as if to say that, duh, they certainly _can._ And will.

Snub yawns and rolls onto his back, exposing his belly to Barry for him to scratch. Magpie gets up, stretches forwards and backwards, her long, fluffy tail dusting over Barry's arm. While Barry tickles her brother's belly, she rises on her hind feet, leans against Barry's chest and rubs her head under his chin, again and again, until he gives in and runs a hand down her back to fulfil her cuddle demand.

“Alright, alright,” he laughs. He's so soft for these two beautiful creatures. “Just for one night. Deal?”

And if _'just for one night'_ turns into _'whenever you want'_ is not because the cats are spoiled and Barry is weak for those sweet, little mewls. It's just that he genuinely loves feeling their warmth all over himself and the soothing sound of their purring lulling him to sleep.

  
  


*

  
  


There is a crying contest every time Barry has milk, cheese or yoghurt.

Snub and Magpie are crazy for dairies, but Barry has done his homework and knows this is a big no-no for cats.

“Sorry, guys, I'm not supposed to give you any. You can't digest them.”

Both Magpie and Snub give him unimpressed looks. They keep staring intently at the bowl of milk, purring loudly.

“Don't look at me like that!” Barry groans. These two are remarkable charmers. “You don't have lactase, you're gonna be sick if I give you this!”

The cats don't seem to care that they don't have the enzymes that break down milk. They just want the milk and make it very, _very_ clear whenever there is any around.

Next time he goes grocery shopping at the corner store, the cashier asks if he's become lactose-intolerant. Barry just smiles and wishes her a good day.

He couldn't just tell her he's started buying lactose-free stuff just so the cats can have it.

  
  


*

  
  


The best part of Barry's days has become the moment he gets home and the cats come running at him. Well, Magpie comes running at him and Snub disdainfully saunters after her, offering Barry an idle meow while his sister jumps into Barry's arms.

“Oh, hey, girl!” Barry greets, catching her mid-air. They've developed an excellent sync.

Magpie perches on Barry's shoulder, the tips of her claws digging gently through his clothes. She strokes her head over his face, her whiskers tickling Barry's neck.

“Aw, aren't you the sweetest little lady?” he coos delightedly. “Daddy missed you, too.”

At his feet, Snub starts hissing. It's no big deal, Barry got used to it: Snub doesn't like displays of affection but he always gets mad when Barry and Magpie share cuddles.

“Stop that!” Barry scolds. “What's wrong with you? If you're so jealous just hop on, there's room for you, too!” He pats the other shoulder and Snub considers the situation with an odd calculating expression. Barry, of course, doesn't actually believe Snub will join the cuddles, so when he sees the cat squat down to the floor and wave his rear he can barely mentally prepare himself to receive the impact of his weight landing on his free shoulder.

“There!” he says, a little breathlessly. Snub is much heavier than his sister, but he fits nicely in the crook of Barry's neck. “See?” Barry smiles fondly. “Two arms, two happy kitties.”

As if on a cue, the cats start purring. Barry closes his eyes and listens with his whole body: he can hear it in his ears and feel it in his chest.

“Why did I think cats are not my thing?” he wonders as he sits down on the couch with his arms safely wrapped around the cats. “I mean, you two are a handful, sometimes, but...” He looks from side to side, his smile widening. “You're kinda cute. I hope nobody comes looking for you, you know? It would be really sad to give you up.”

And he _knows_ they can't possibly have understood his words, but as soon as he says that, Magpie and Snub increase the purring volume and start licking his face with those ticklish tongues of theirs. Barry bursts out laughing, amused, but also a little moved.

“Oooh, alright, alright. I love you too.”

He buries his nose in their fur. He never thought it would be possible to develop such deep, genuine feelings for an animal. It's no different than loving people: its comes naturally, it takes your heart. It's a lot like being in love.

“Who's my precious princess?” he asks Magpie, then he turns to Snub: “Who's my adorable grump? You are! Yes, you are!”

He sounds like a crazy, pathetic cat nerd.

Oh, well.

  
  


*

  
  


He's been a cat dad for almost a month and he's been so busy learning about how to take care of his kids and making the house cat-friendly that he nearly didn't realise how peaceful his life has been. And not just because of the cats.

“There's been a severe lack of crime lately, you know?” he tells them one night while they're chilling in front of a random Netflix series. “Daddy's a little bored. His favourite frenemies must be out of town.”

No one has heard of the Rogues for weeks. They've probably moved to less protected cities, but this doesn't change the fact that they're _Barry's_ Rogues and he's starting to feel a certain emptiness. Yes, there's this witchy meta on the loose and she's really hard to track down, so he should be glad he has someone to chase, and yet it's not really the same.

“I miss them,” he sighs, then sorts. “I can't believe I just said that.” He glances down at Snub, who's curled on his lap. “Snart would poke fun at me if he were here.”

Snub gives Barry one of those dreadful glares of his; he unfolds, stretches up Barry's chest and unceremoniously boops a paw on his nose. Barry laughs.

“You're a lot like him, you know?” he muses. “He's a giant grump, too, and he also has a beautiful little sis.”

Snub boops his nose again.

“You think this is funny?”

Another boop. And another. Magpie is observing the scene from the coffee table, elegantly detached from her brother's silliness.

“Snub, come on, stop poking me!” Barry giggles, trying to avoid the cat's paw as it aims for his nose once more.

Thankfully, Snub stops.

He stares at Barry with those judgemental icy eyes, blinks a couple of times, stares some more, then, after one final dramatic blink, he sighs – _sighs!_ – and ostentatiously settles back on Barry's lap.

Barry speechlessly meets Magpie's look and shrugs at her. Magpie stares back, regally composed; if Barry had to describe her expression, he would say it's almost contemptuous.

It's weird, but he has a feeling that, for some reason, she's judging him, too.

  
  


*

  
  


The cats have started arguing over Barry: they fight all the time for the spot on his lap when he's sitting on the couch, for his shoulders when he's washing the dishes (and Barry has a hard time holding Snub around his neck, since he's not exactly a lightweight like Magpie), for who gets to sleep over his head in bed. Sometimes they get so violent that bits of hair drift in the air and Barry has to break them apart with a broom. His heart hurts when he sees them like this: these aren't the nice children he took in, dammit. He just wants this family to live happy and serene, is that too much to ask?

When he finally gets them to calm down, he points a scolding finger at them and shakes his head disappointedly:

“You know,” he whines. “You two hiss at each other a lot for being a couple of loving sib-”

Something clicks.

Loving siblings.

Snub's thing with the fridge.

Magpie's obsession with golden stuff.

The stealing habit.

The Rogues missing.

“Holy shit, wait!” He stumbles backwards, eyes wide as saucers. He stares at the two cats - cranky, unruly Snub, and foxy, captivating Magpie - and wonders how he didn't see this sooner. All this time, they've been trying to tell him, and he's such an idiot...

He gulps.

“Snart? Lisa?”

It's like a Disney movie: there's a sudden flash of white light, and when it's gone Leonard and Lisa Snart are standing in front of Barry, safe, sound, and... gloriously naked.

“Took you long enough, Scarlet,” Snart drawls venomously.

Beside him, Lisa eyes Barry with a glint in her eyes. “Oh, I don't know...” she purrs. “I kinda enjoyed being pet.”

Snart smirks. “Can't argue that.”

So they can purr in their human form, too?

Barry struggles to focus. He looks at the ground, ears burning. There are too many implications about this situation and he just can't think about them right now, or his brain will explode.

“Can we continue this conversation after you two have put some clothes on?”

He hears Lisa giggle.

“Don't like what you see, Barry?”

“Oh, he likes it,” says Snart in an uncomfortably lascivious tone.

“Clothes!” Barry orders without looking up. “Now!”

He sends them to fetch something from his wardrobe. As they get dressed, he tries really hard no to think of them slipping into his own clothes, but when they come back – Leonard wearing one of Barry's gym suits, Lisa with a pair of jeans and a t-shirt – his mouth goes impossibly dry.

“Can we still call you Daddy?” Lisa asks mischievously before Barry regains his power of speech.

The heat in Barry's ears flares.

“Don't even go there!” he hisses. There's a number of things these two were never ever supposed to hear or _see,_ and the Daddy thing isn't even the most concerning. He's been sleeping with them, walking around naked, kissing them multiple times a day-

He's embarrassed, but a part of him is also deeply sad, because he just lost something, a bond he cherished and will never find again. It might be stupid, but he loved Magpie and Snub and the idea of never seeing them again hurts him more than he dares to admit.

This, however, doesn't seem to be a big deal for either Snart.

“Can we at least still sleep with you?” Leonard asks, as if reading Barry's mind.

Barry sputters: “None of that should have happened! My cats could sleep with me, you two can't!”

“Why not?”

“What?”

Lisa bats her lashes at him, innocent as a lamb: “Why could we sleep with you as cats but not as humans?”

The question leaves Barry fumbling. The answer should be quite simple, shouldn't it?

“W-well-”

Lisa glides towards him, her movements so similar to Magpie's it's hard not to still think of her as a cat. She stops an inch from his face; Barry can see a hint of freckles dusting her nose and cheeks. An impish smile curls her lips.

“Nothing's changed, right?” she whispers, glancing down at his mouth. “You did say you don't wanna give us up.”

“I- I was talking about my cats!”

Lisa shrugs. “We were your cats all along, so...”

“We don't wanna give you up, either,” Leonard says behind her back.

Barry's mind stops spinning and freezes on that last remark. It's true, he doesn't want to let them go, cats or humans or whatever, but knowing they feel the same? Can this insane experience really have taken an emotional toll on both sides?

“You... don't?”

Leonard scowls. “You think you're the only one who caught feelings, here?”

“I- I uh...” Both Leonard and Lisa are now standing awkwardly close to him, watching him with subtle, very cat-like smirks.

“How-” Barry takes a careful step back and clears his throat. “How did you two get turned into cats in the first place, anyway?”

“You must have heard of the new meta in town.”

Barry frowns. “The Trickster?”

“Is that what Ramon calls her?” scoffs Leonard. “Lame.”

Lisa rolls her eyes. “She changes people into animals for fun, apparently.”

“You change back once someone figures out who you are. _If_ someone figures out who you are.”

This is a useful lead Team Flash was missing. He needs to tell the guys about this. Maybe Leonard and Lisa can help them get this Trickster.

“And why did you come to me, pray tell?” he inquires sceptically. As much as he's flattered they deemed him smart enough to get them out of this curse, he certainly wasn't the most qualified person to turn to. “Couldn't you just go to Rory and-”

Leonard crosses his arms, closes his eyes with a sigh. “Mick has a situation, too.”

“We couldn't stick with him,” says Lisa, sounding slightly guilty. “Couldn't control our cat instincts.”

“What was he turned into?

The question lingers but before anyone can answer it, Barry's phone starts buzzing in his pocket.

“It's Caitlin,” he conveys, checking the string of texts. His forehead creases. “Says her hamster just... set fire to her curtains?” This doesn't make any sense, why and _how_ would a hamster-

”Hold on a sec,” he stutters. He has a very bad feeling about this. He looks up and meets the Snarts' eloquent looks.

He's torn between a laugh and a groan.

“Oh my god! You gotta be kidding me!”

**Author's Note:**

> After Len & Lisa taking care of Barry, I felt like turning things around a little and this is what came out of that. Since a lot of people have been agreeing with me that the Snarts are basically cats in human shape, as a crazy cat lady I just couldn't resist the temptation of turning them into actual cats.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone that still follows me and all these absurd stories I keep coming up with, I swear to the gods one day I'll get some good old angst out of myself. Until then, fluff it is!
> 
> (I'm a Goldencoldflash junkie, sue me!)


End file.
